Citing the Christian ethos of feeding the hungry, housing the homeless and clothing the naked, just as long as they’ve got the appropriate documentation, Abbott said anyone who had fled a war zone or escaped from a torture chamber without travel papers could jolly well pelt themselves with their own eggs (which no doubt would come from ducks, knowing how weird these foreigners are).

So funny yet it would not surprise me if Abbott actually said something along these lines.

Sources say Abbott had initially insisted that boat arrivals must hold Australian passports. However, it was soon realised that the only people processed under this scheme would be Australian citizens returning from holidays aboard cruise ships and those are the last sort of characters we want to encourage into the country.

Rumours that the Prime Minister is planning to keep out undesirables by processing cruise-ship passengers offshore – to ascertain whether any of them had danced to the chicken dance, giggled while ordering cocktails with rude names or played bingo while on the high seas – could not be confirmed.

The full article is here.

The news coming out of destiny church is becoming more alarming by the day as the herald reports this morning on members paying to see the swearing of an oath to Brian Tamaki by 700 men.

Scrubone at Halfdone Blog has written a good post on the issue: http://halfdone.wordpress.com/2009/10/29/cults/

His key comments are:

Someone commented over there (sarcastically) asking what the difference between a cult and a church is. Well, if you’re not “permitted” to listen to Radio Rhema or “attend any other Christian ministry”, you’re in a cult.

Cults try to shut down all independent thinking. The activly control what members do and say. Only the thoughts and idea of the leader are allowed.

On the other hand, a good church will encourage (Biblical) independent thought and study and cooperating with other churches in the Lord’s work. Naturally, there are plenty of bad churches out there, on both extremes.

Update: Immediately after I wrote this Scrubone just did another great post: http://halfdone.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/brians-cult/

All I can suggest is Tamaki should get a new theme song, how about this one:

If you desire more entertaining information on Tamaki’s background here is the Uncyclopedia article on him:

“the development of his theology, a radical and innovative doctrinal system that dispensed with annoyances like humility and love for fellow man and replaced them with the more progressive and modern virtues of materialist greed and unbridled judgmental bigotry. They kept their doctrines nice and flexible so they could make them up as they went along. The only thing set in stone was that the congregation had to give them plenty of money.

such a skilled orator was Pastor Brian – it was positively ingenious the way he could turn any sermon on any subject around to the subject of money, and how God needed more of it. No matter what the theme of his sermon, whether it was “Socialism is the Tool of Evil”, “Homosexuals and Women with IQ’s higher than 50 will burn in hell”, “Thinking is the enemy of righteousness” or “Fundamentalist Indoctrination is the true path to Holiness” – all would eventually find their utmost expression in the familiar mantra – “It’s time to take up the tithe and offering now” – at which point the Armourguard security van would back up to the door of the church and the security guards would cock their weapons.”

Can you imagine the near orgasmic state of the civil defence leaders as their pagers or cell phones went off this morning.

All over the east coast of NZ bearded men in walk shorts and long socks would have leapt to attention full of self importance, their partners would have asked them if they had time for breakfast, “no, we have an emergency” would have been the well practised reply.

Thermos’s would have been hurriedly filled, cut sandwiches would have been cobbled together and high visibility vests and hard hats donned as they walked briskly (no sense in placing ones self in danger by running) to their Lada’s.

The drive to civil defence headquarters would have been made at just over the speed limit (102km per hour), headlights would have been blazing, the radio’s would be tuned to national radio looking for updates, and thoughts of “I live for this” would fill their heads, as they arrived at headquarters they would again walk briskly up the stairs before grabbing hold of their favourite clipboard.

One can almost see the disappointment on their faces when the news came in that the approaching tidal wave was only 1 meter in height.

Posted by Big Bruv at Kiwiblog (http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/2009/09/tsunami_warning.html#comment-613162)

From: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sideswipe/news/article.cfm?c_id=702&objectid=10594361

A prank sign has appeared on the side of the Bristol Zoo Garden’s popular cafe, designating the area as the best place to spot Homo sapiens. The sign reads: “The human is one of the world’s most widespread species, and is present on all continents. In adolescence, the offspring adopt a more nocturnal lifestyle and engage in ritualised activities of drinking fermented liquids and dancing to rhythmical sounds, which scientists believe may help them to find a mate. The human diet is very adaptable to regional crop varieties and personal taste, with some groups able to live almost exclusively on chipped potatoes and sugary drinks. Groups of humans are often fed by unrelated individuals in exchange for tokens made of paper, metal and plastic – behaviour which can frequently be seen inside this enclosure.”

Front page of the Herald website this morning. Seems someone doesn’t know what John Key looks like.

It appears that Jetstar has hired the same public relations firm as the Iranian Government.

Over there they blame civil unrest on England and the media, and all the people protesting are really foreigners who are acting as spys.

Over here Jetstar is blaming all its issues on Air New Zealand and is claiming conspiracy.

from: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10582629

Jetstar chief executive Bruce Buchanan has accused Air New Zealand of attempting to “sabotage” his airline during its troubled launch in the domestic market.

…

Domestic travellers galore have complained about late and cancelled flights, and of being turned away for failing to check in 30 minutes before takeoff.

Claims of rude and unhelpful staff have flooded internet messageboards, and some have accused the airline of overbooking flights, leaving passengers stranded.

But Buchanan said many rumours about Jetstar, including those concerning poor pilots and old, unserviced planes, had been circulated by Air NZ.

So according to Buchanan complaining travellers are just Air NZ people in disguise, and there is really nothing wrong, Jetstar staff have not been rude, unhelpful, and people haven’t been turned away are all just rumours… umm… I smell fire… oh it looks like it is Jetstar’s pants that are on fire.

“We’ve experienced some tough competition before but we’ve never experienced someone trying to sabotage our business, or specifically go after us to try and discredit us.

“There is zero overbooking in the New Zealand market. It’s a complete fallacy that our competitors are spreading throughout the media.

“It wasn’t something we were prepared for and we are surprised at the dirty tricks they are playing. They have a dedicated team of individuals running a campaign to try and ruin our launch.”

Oh there is a dedicated team alright, but it isn’t Air NZ, it is your customers who are out against you after you stuffed up. For the best commentary check out the posts on Whale Oil: http://www.whaleoil.co.nz/category/industryterm/airline (and others you made need to search).

Air NZ respond:

“Surely, Mr Buchanan doesn’t expect Kiwis to believe that we are responsible for his Aussie airline’s woes? We didn’t dream up his draconian check-in rules, his schedule that often cannot be met, his endless schedule changes and his decision to operate ill-equipped aircraft to Queenstown that cannot achieve the same punctuality as Air NZ’s fleet.”

“If Fred Dagg was in his prime, I am sure he would be revelling in all the material Mr Buchanan and Jetstar are dishing up,” Parton said.

Ha. I knew I wasn’t hearing things wrong.

From 3News last night:

“Within 90 minutes of that press conference 500 million people had logged onto staples centre dot com causing it to crash multiple times…”

http://www.3news.co.nz/Jackson-fans-scramble-for-chance-to-win-memorial-tickets/tabid/418/articleID/111252/cat/100/Default.aspx (click on watch video, 3mins 55 seconds in).

What was funny about this statement was first how insane it sounded, but then it got me thinking, this was not a live cross, it had be prerecorderd. So why did no one editing pick up on the error and do a retake of it?

The actually figure connecting was 500 thousand people. http://dailycontributor.com/staples-center-server-crash-michael-jackson-memorial/5925/

Of more interest would be if it had been 500 million. There are currently around 1.5 billion people with access to the web (http://www.internetworldstats.com/stats.htm). 1 in 3 people would have to have connected within 90 minutes. Now that would be an impressive feat.

From: http://blogs.nzherald.co.nz/blog/mac-planet/2009/4/1/microsoft-buys-apple/?c_id=5

In a move is shocking the tech world – actually, and the rest of the world, too – Microsoft has just announced the acquisition of Apple Inc.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer recently panned Apple as little more than a $500 logo – perhaps he was trying to get the value down before the purchase? In a recent interview with Business Week Ballmer was defensive on any issue that involved Apple.

He said “…now I think the tide has really turned back the other direction. The economy is helpful. Paying an extra $500 for a computer in this environment – same piece of hardware – paying $500 more to get a logo on it? I think that’s a more challenging proposition for the average person than it used to be.”

He also may have plans produce cheaper but slick netbooks using the stripped-down OS X version (iPhone OS 3) that runs on the iPhone and iPod touch. But the most immediate result of the acquisition will be the licensing of Mac OS X for PC from April 31st.

The new ‘Leopard MS Amalgam’ OS will work on any PC (or Mac) running an Intel or AMD processor (1.8GHz or faster) with 2GB of physical RAM and 60-120GB free hard drive space. It will be offered in the following versions: Home Basic X, Home Ultimate X, Family X, SoHo X, Business X and Enterprise X.

Home Basic will retail for NZ $170 and contain OS X, Mail and Safari Explorer (a new Microsoft web browser based on WebKit) and Preview, the image/PDF viewer, plus a couple of utilities.

Home Premium X will retail for $215 and contain Mac OS X, Mail, Safari Explorer and the renamed mTunes, mPhoto, mWeb, mMovie and mDVD.

Home Ultimate X is basically Home Premium bundled with ‘mWork’ – the renamed suite contains versions of Pages, Numbers and Keynote for Mac/PC. (It is assumed that the ‘mWork’ division and the Mac BU will be merged to create all new PC/Mac versions of Office/iWork and other productivity software.)

Family X is a five-user Home Ultimate. It will retail at $590. SoHo X version bundles the current version of Microsoft Office:Mac with the features of Home Premium and will retail for $274.

Business X will contains the mWork and Microsoft Office components along with server and network software and sync software for mobile devices. One license will cost between $360 and $520, according to a Microsoft NZ spokesperson.

Enterprise X will contain a full 64-bit version of the OS, have all the Business X features, developer tools, WebKit and other SDKs and multi language support. (Multi language support has been withdrawn from other versions of ‘mX’, apart from French, German, Japanese and Spanish, but language modules are available via Microsoft’s Upgrade Paths and Easy Transfer programs for additional fees.)

Full details on all the above versions will be released in the next few days, with extra options available to each version and specific system requirements.

Gamers are also happy – thanks to the new CrackPot transcoding software, all PC games will be available to run on the amalgam system withing just a few months. It is widely expected that Windows 7 and Apple Macintosh Snow Leopard will be completely merged in the next two years to create a new operating system platform. An insider in Seattle said this would most likely be called ‘MOS-Y’; software engineers around Seattle are already calling it that, apparently.

The Macintosh will become the Microsoft Macintosh Division – insiders in Seattle are already calling it ‘M&M’ , according to tech blogs. Immediate plans include refurbishing the entire Macintosh line to include brown and black versions of every machine, to be available from June 2009. Mac hardware design will remain headquartered in Cupertino with a Microsoft Hardware Division opening an office in Infinite Loop.

At the announcement to the press, Microsoft CEO Steven A Ballmer concluded ‘But there’s one more thing!’. Bill Gates took the stage and held up a new, reengineered iPhone in brushed anodised brown aluminium. “Introducing the mPhone!” shouted an ebullient Gates, while Ballmer capered about behind him.

It is thought that Windows Mobile may be discontinued with resources reallocated to iPhone development, with the iPhone OS becoming licensed to run on any smart phone.
Conversely, however, the iPod division is being renamed ‘iZune’. New models will be slightly heavier and bulkier as they all have replaceable batteries. All players will contain FM radios, play WMV files and the model range will be greatly expanded – there has been talk of 100 models to cater to all tastes. A rumour said that new iZunes would also get video, but this could not be confirmed.

Microsoft spokesperson Avril Foule said Microsoft had been working hard behind the scenes to acquire Apple for the last nine months and was very pleased at the conclusion of negotiations. Steve Jobs will retain a position on the Microsoft board but will be not be involved in the day-to-day running of the business. He was not available for comment.
Finally, Steve Wozniak has been appointed to consult to the Microsoft Entertainments Division.

There have already been angry Gates and Ballmer effigy burnings outside Apple Stores in California and New York, and a poorly-attended Jobs effigy burning in Arhu, Tennessee. Australian Apple fans lit candles outside the George St Apple Store.

For myself, the shock is still registering – but I expect there will be considerable relief in the Ballmer and Gates’ households. It may have been a costly process, but it means their families will finally be allowed to get iPods

Mark Webster