Okay junior, listen up, you have obviously made it to this mighty fine institution by some damn hard work, or maybe just a bit of luck. Now this is where the real work begins. Yes, the very important work, the work of partying!
In this short course I will give you the key essentials that you need to have the best fun at orientation. We will cover four main issues: how to get girls, how to drink, how to be cool, and finally putting it all together to have the best start to the semester. Okay, no time to muck around, so let us begin.
Lesson One: How to meet girls
Okay you revolting piece of shit, we need to get you cleaned up. You are not going to meet girls looking like you are still working your shitty summer job at The Warehouse. The first thing you need to do is look good on the outside. Yes, take a shower. The beach may be good for the skin but you need to get that salt off you and have a proper clean at some point.
Once you have showered, do your hair and face. Mullets are out. And so is ultra-spiky hair. Semi-long is the current style so go with that, give it a bit of a wild, wind-blown look, but not too much, hurricanes are just not cool. Now let your inner metrosexual out a little, buy yourself a good face wash, clean your face, and have a shave. Sometimes a little bit of stubble is nice, but don’t make it look like you can only afford to shave every three weeks.
Now that we’ve got you looking good, it’s time to reveal the tricks to getting girls. The first: be nice. If they are talking to you make sure you look at them, and not out into space, and most certainly not at their breasts. You need to master the art of looking like you care when in reality you are thinking about that sexy Holden V8 that just drove by. The next: do not be too much of a show off. Sure, girls love heroic guys but they do not love narcissistic idiots. Finally, do not be too shy. There is a fine balance between being too over the top, and too under the carpet. Once you master the art you will be a chick magnet ready to rival that guy off Prison Break.
Lesson Two: How to drink
Okay, the key to remember here is it’s not the drinking, it’s how we’re drinking. Now, it may be alright to have a sculling competition at your mates while watching the footy, but if you want to impress the girls (refer back to lesson one) you need to be a little more mature. Drinking games always go down well. They are a good source of entertainment, and if you practice them you can beat your mates and win the girls. Also, don’t be afraid to have some variety, the guy that all the girls are after drinks more than just beer. A bourbon would not go astray. But avoid the Cruisers, the Aqua Schnapps and the Baileys at all costs – you do not want to look gay.
Lesson Three: How to be cool
Now, the key here is not to act cool, it is just to be cool. How do I do that you wonder? Well, have you ever seen that person who always tries to be the life of the party and just ends up being laughed at. That is not what you want to do. You want to be the guy directing the laughing and pointing at that over-confident prick. However, the last thing you want to do is point and laugh at a girl, that would be the nail in your coffin and guarantee you singleness for many years to come.
Lesson Four: Having the best start to the semester
The primary point of university is for you to party. However, there is also a minor second objective that does need a few seconds of attention. Make sure that you do get your textbooks and study notes sorted at the start of semester. This will ensure that you have at least a small shot at passing and making the start of the next year to try again at getting the chicks at the biggest party around. Orientation.
Well, I have given you all you need to pass this course. Now the rest is up to you. Whether you pass or fail is in your hands. Go to the orientation events. Be the life of the party and score the chicks. If you are successful you will have passed this course. If you fail, well, God help you with the rest of your life.